When is it time to give up on marriage and consider divorce? I hear
it so often from people in bad marriages…”when do I divorce, when do
I stop beating my head against the wall and accept that my marriage
is over?”
It is a question I ask myself on many occasions during my marriage.
I had made a commitment; I was to stay for “better or worse.” I felt
it my obligation to do whatever I could to not break the vows I had
made.
By Cathy Meyer
Divorce Support Expert, about.com
So obligated that I was giving up who I was and becoming someone I
didn’t like.
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So, when people ask me, “when is it time to divorce” I tell them if
the person they are becoming is someone they don’t like, they need
to get out of the marriage. If you are in a marriage that requires
you to:
- put aside goals you have set for yourself,
- isolates you from friends and family,
- limits what you are allowed to do for entertainment,
- change your belief system,
- constantly nag to get what you want and need,
- make excuses for your spouse’s behavior,
- feel as if you have to walk on eggshells,
- live in fear of abuse,
- let go of who you are as an individual,
- worry constantly over the problems in the marriage,
- question yourself over and over again about why you are still there.
If you find yourself consumed with worry over the problems in your
marriage even though you have done all you can to try and solve
those problems. When the problems in your marriage consume most of
your energy, you are wasting energy and should move on.
Common Marital Problems:
- Marital Problems That Often Lead to Divorce
- Stonewalling in Marriage
- Are You Living in a Sexless Marriage?
Here is the problem most people have to deal with when deciding
whether to divorce or not. That old belief that we should be able to
fix the problems. We spend time and energy and give up who we are
and what we want in hopes of making the marriage work. What is
easily forgotten is that it takes two to make a marriage work. We
only have control over one party to the marriage…ourselves.
If you are married to an alcoholic, you can’t make him/her stop
drinking. If you are married to an adulterer, you can’t make him/her
stop seeing the other man/other woman. If you are married to a
spouse who abuses you, the abuse is not going to stop until they
deal with their own issues. It is out of your control.
You have to change what you are comfortable changing about yourself.
Make all the adjustments you feel you should and once you have done
that, you’ve done all you have any control over. It is normal to
think or hope that you might find just the right words to get
through to your spouse. Magical words that will cause the light bulb
to come on and change him/her into the very person you need him/her
to be. It is unhealthy to give up yourself in hopes of changing
another human being.
Knowing When to Divorce:
- Do You Know When to Divorce?
- Is It Time To Give Up On Your Marriage?
- Should I Get a Divorce?
There is also the waiting game we play. You think if we can go to
counseling things will change, or once he stops drinking or leaves
the other man/other woman we can make this marriage work. The
problem with the waiting game is that you may end up waiting a
lifetime.
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The waiting game keeps you from living in the hear and now. It keeps
you from dealing with and seeing the reality of your situation. What
if 25 years from now you are still waiting, still giving up who you
are and what you want? Can you honestly say that you will like the
person you will become while waiting for someone else to meet your
needs?
If your marriage is keeping you from being someone you like, if it
is keeping you from getting all you want out of life, if you are
doing all the work while your spouse ignores the problems in the
marriage and the toll it is taking on you why would you want to
stay?
Three Reasons Not to Play the Waiting Game:
- Addiction to Pornography
- Domestic Abuse
- Infidelity
You have the opportunity to live life as you choose. You have the
opportunity to live a life that gives you joy, peace of mind and
emotional fulfillment. Making the choice to let go of a marriage
that you know is unhealthy is really, really hard. You may find that
it is an opportunity to finally become someone you really like.
